First Times
by InSilva
Summary: AU Body & Soul one-shot in which Rusty never had a relationship with Lila. Rusty's background doesn't lend itself to happy, carefree intimacy. Danny feels strongly that they should do something about that. Slash of a Danny/Rusty nature contained within.


First Times by InSilva

Disclaimer: don't own, don't own.

Summary: AU Body and Soul verse in which Rusty never had a relationship with Lila. Rusty's background does not lend itself to happy, carefree intimacy. Danny feels strongly that they should do something about that. Slash of a Danny and Rusty nature contained within.

A/N: Day 7 of the 2011 Advent Calendar

A/N: In this, Rusty is about 22, Danny is about 24.

* * *

><p>Danny pushes the plate of fries towards Rusty to finish and watches with amusement as Rusty frowns and tries to decide between the BBQ sauce, the ketchup and the mayonnaise.<p>

"You tried all three at once?" Danny wonders and Rusty beams at him and does just that.

Danny shakes his head and exhales slowly. "You have the same problem when it comes to sex?"

Rusty stops with the handful of fries halfway to his mouth and blinks.

"Brunette, blonde or redhead," Danny clarifies.

"Never that hairist."

Rusty is just that little bit too slow with his comeback and Danny chooses to ignore the debate over the existence of the word because there is something else here underneath. He sits back and studies Rusty and suddenly wonders. Because they have been together for three years now. And he knows he himself has found time…and he's always assumed Rusty has…but still…

"What?" Rusty asks with an irritated air.

"When did you last have sex?"

"Excuse me?"

"When did you last have sex?"

Rusty stares at him. "When did you get so direct?"

"When I needed to get a direct answer out of you."

"And my sex life is your concern since when?"

"Well…" Danny looks at him keenly. "The "since when" was what I was wondering about."

Rusty ducks his gaze and gives a shrug of annoyance as he plays with the fries.

"Sex isn't all it's cracked up to be," he says eventually, concentrating on the food.

Danny knows what's behind that. He will always know and always hate what's behind that. And he might have dropped the subject but he feels that there is something important to talk about here. And even so…

"Even so…"

"You just don't give up, do you?" Rusty frowns.

Danny says nothing. He just waits. And Rusty throws the fries down with an angry sigh.

"I haven't had sex in two years. Satisfied?"

Incredulity floods Danny's face and he can't hold it back. Rusty shakes his head irritably and looks away.

"Two-?"

"Two. Deal with it." Rusty's eyes are crystal and definite.

* * *

><p>As they walk in comfortable silence down the boulevard, Rusty can see that Danny is still mulling over what he's told him. And as long as all the musing stays inside Danny, that's fine.<p>

He'd meant what he'd said. It wasn't a big deal. Oh, it might be for Danny. Danny, whom he can judge objectively as handsome and sexy and appealing and who has eyes that are mesmeric and a voice like honey and a smile that can hit its target at fifty paces. Danny who has all those things going for him and who, Rusty knows, appreciates the company of good looks and intelligence and wit.

But for him, for such a long time, sex had only ever been a means to an end. It had been about survival. It had been about the short-term. It certainly hadn't been about enjoyment in any way, shape or form. And he had taken himself away from things so very thoroughly that there had been no danger of him forgetting himself whatever the stimulus.

Two years ago, Danny had flown off to do a recce in Pittsburgh while Rusty stayed to catch up with a local supplier of chicken wire. Danny's plane had been delayed and Rusty had found himself at a loose end for the first time since forever. There had been a bar and a woman and some drinking and some flirting and a flat and a bed and there had been sex. And it wasn't like he'd forgotten how and it wasn't like he'd forgotten how to please and it wasn't like he'd forgotten what to say or how to say it. The mechanics of everything still worked and it had been just that: mechanical. It hadn't required any emotional investment.

And really, if he ever feels the need for that kind of release, no one knows him better than himself; no one can provide it better than himself.

Sex is nothing compared to the thrill of the con. Sex is nothing compared to the buzz of success. Sex is nothing compared to the kick of being alongside Danny.

* * *

><p>They've decided to crash an A-list Hollywood party just because they can. Rusty goes to find canapés and Danny goes to find drinks: Danny brings back two glasses of champagne and Rusty brings back a plateful of questionable food.<p>

"And that's what exactly?" Danny asks, pointing at something very peach.

"Cheese," Rusty says confidently as he tries it. Then he frowns. "And strawberry. Possibly." He grabs the champagne and takes a drink. "Don't bother."

Danny chuckles. "I don't think I'd get a look in either way. 'Cos if it tasted good, then-"

"I'd have shared."

_Yeah, yeah._

_You're so cynical._

There is a pause as Rusty investigates a couple of other intricate delicacies and then gives up and places the plate on an empty tray that's being carried past.

Danny looks round the room at the young and the beautiful and the old and the rich. He and Rusty do not look out of place among the attractive and the well-dressed and he sees Rusty glancing round and smiles as he watches Rusty runs a finger round the edge of his lips to despatch a stray piece of strawberryfied cheese.

He is still thinking about Rusty's revelation earlier that evening and he still cannot believe that it's true though he knows it is. It seems crazy that this man, who exudes charm and who can turn on the overt SA like a tap with just his smile or just his voice or just the way he looks at someone and who possibly doesn't even get a third of the signals he gives off, that this man does not enjoy the benefits that should bring. And OK, maybe that sounds as if he thinks Rusty ought to be sleeping with anything that moves and he doesn't, but still, the man is all beauty and poise and…well, if pushed, he'd have said sexy as hell and Rusty should surely…

Rusty turns back to him and reads his face and sighs.

"I thought we were dropping this."

"Rusty…"

"It's not important."

"It is," Danny insists and isn't sure why. He holds Rusty's gaze.

_You just can't let it lie._

_No, I can't._

"You need to get over this."

"I'm not the one with the need."

_Oh, you're funny._

The glare and the stare match each other and then Danny sees Rusty blink under the intensity. Because Danny really isn't going to back down.

"Look," Danny makes his mind up and digs into his pocket. He presses something into Rusty's hand and Rusty's fingers automatically close round it and it disappears. "Look, you can have anyone in the room. Just…just go and find someone and have a night of meaningless sex."

Rusty sighs and looks slowly around the room at the crowd of beautiful people and back at Danny. Danny finds him suddenly unreadable.

"Anyone in the room?" Rusty asks quietly.

Danny nods. "Any-" he begins and then sees what's in Rusty's eyes and pauses for a half-second of surprise. "Anyone," he confirms, insistently and instantly.

They hold each other's gaze.

Then, Rusty moves closer till he is looking over Danny's right shoulder at the glitz and the glamour and the giddiness. He leans in so that his mouth is by Danny's ear and in a low voice, says, "I've had enough meaningless sex to last a lifetime."

Danny feels Rusty's warm breath against his neck in a way he's never thought of before and bites his lip.

"Let's get out of here," he says.

* * *

><p>The air burns between them on the way back to the hotel room. They walk down corridors in silence, almost but not quite touching and the electricity leaps from one to the other. They get into an elevator with three other people and stand shoulder to shoulder, the distance between them less than an inch but nonetheless agonising.<p>

As the hotel room door shuts behind Rusty, Danny pulls him to him and runs a hand through Rusty's hair, his fingers wrapping through the blond.

"You need to be kissed," he states and proceeds to do just that, his mouth moving over Rusty's.

Rusty responds with fierceness and passion, pushing Danny back until he hits the wall of the room. He imprisons Danny's free hand against the wall and presses his body up against him.

Danny breaks the kiss and blinks, panting, at Rusty.

"Where did that come from?"

"Well, it's been three years."

"Three? You told me-"

Rusty shuts him up with another kiss, wild and passionate and Danny tastes the strawberry and the champagne and, more than that, the vibrancy and the vivacity that is Rusty. It thrills through him and he finds himself quickening.

They can't tell exactly how it happens or who prompts it but the next time they're looking at each other, they're standing in front of the bed and their clothes are strewn in Rusty-fashion about the floor. If they ever had to decide on the who, Danny would point to that as evidence.

Danny looks at Rusty and has to put his cards on the table. "I haven't-"

"-good job I have, then."

The reminder bites slightly but Rusty's eyes are alight and Danny finds himself drawn to them even more so than usual.

Rusty throws a quick glance round and disappears into the bathroom. He comes back hefting a complimentary jar of handcream.

"Also a good job we stay in the best places," he says.

"You think that's what it's there for?"

"I'm going to make you fill in the customer satisfaction sheet."

"For the room, right?"

Rusty grins and then the grin fades. He drops the handcream on the bed and looks unblinking at Danny as his fingers creep up to rub at his mouth.

_What?_

"Maybe we shouldn't do this."

Danny moves forward till he is as close to Rusty as he can get without touching him and they can both feel the reciprocal heat.

"Do you remember what I said?" Danny asks, holding Rusty's gaze and not letting him go.

As if he could forget…

"You asked me if this was what I wanted." And no one had ever asked Rusty that.

"And you said-"

"I said I didn't know. And you said-"

"And I said I didn't know either. And that before we did this, we really ought-"

"- to know the answer to that question."

"So." Danny's eyes are candid. "Is this what you want?"

Rusty closes his eyes and smells the scent of Danny, magnetic and powerful and heady; he hears Danny's breathing, slightly raised than normal; he's thinking back to the taste of Danny, intense and compelling like staying in the tightest hand of poker; he's imagining Danny's touch on his skin, electrifying, leaving a trail like a sparkler everywhere it goes…

He opens unsteady eyes and sees Danny waiting and he knows he doesn't have to answer and he knows he doesn't have to ask.

Danny nods.

"This is about first times, Rus."

And it is. It's obviously the first time Danny's been with a man and it's the first time he's ever been with a man that he's wanted to be with. It's a dangerously exciting thought.

"OK…"

Danny leans in and his lips hover above Rusty's jawline. He moves steadily along so that his breath laps along Rusty's jaw until he finds Rusty's mouth again. The kiss this time is on Danny's terms. It is lingering and Danny's focus is on drawing it out, long and slow, because he realises that Rusty has no real concept of foreplay. He is rewarded by the slightest of shivers and kisses him again.

He feels Rusty's fingers on his shoulders, running over and down his arms, locking their hands together, holding them together as tightly as they ever are.

Danny smiles against Rusty's lips and Rusty smiles back. Whatever happens, _they__'__re_ going to be fine.

"Sit," Danny says and Rusty sits.

"You gonna go easy on me, right?" Danny checks as he kneels down in front of Rusty. "It is my first time."

A familiar little half-grin plays on Rusty's lips. "I'm fascinated to find out how you imagine this is done."

Danny smiles again.

"I mean I know you know the general principle involved but – ah! Too much! Too much!"

The pressure reduces immediately and as Rusty glances down, he sees the laughter in Danny's eyes as his mouth continues its movement.

_Son of ahhhh…_

There is warmth and smooth rhythm and Rusty's mind is filled with sudden crackle candy pleasure. For someone's first time, Danny's as confident as he ever is and this is…this is different to anything Rusty has had before. Before has been female and eager and tutored and pleasant but not…not this…Rusty finds himself breathing heavily and his fingers gripping the edge of the bed...Danny's mouth is unexpected…Danny's mouth is knowing and clever…Danny's mouth is…it just is.

After a passage of time that Rusty can't quantify, Danny sits back on his heels and looks up at him. Smugness is in the air as he waits for Rusty's brain to clear.

"Yeah…" Rusty says, taking in the smirk. "Let's swap places."

As he runs a speculative hand over Danny's thigh, he crooks a half-grin. "You gonna go easy on me, right? 'Cos it's been a while."

The humour drains at once from Danny and he grabs Rusty's elbows and pulls him up so that they are face to face. Danny's mouth is set in a straight line and the pain is raw.

"Danny…Danny…"

And there is apology unlimited but there is something else to say.

"Danny…" he runs a hand through Danny's hair. "This is my first time too. It's the first time I've ever wanted to."

He offers himself up, open and unguarded so that Danny can see the truth.

"I mean it," Rusty says and kisses him. Hard.

He sees Danny's eyes relax and he drops back down and smiles to himself. He begins to administer a series of long, slow licks and Danny watches in amusement.

"What am I? Some kind of Tootsie – oh, fuck!"

The last two words qualify as a deserved exclamation because Rusty has gone to work with his mouth and tongue and he feels Danny's hands reach forward to clutch at his shoulders, to try and gain some kind of purchase, because right now, Rusty knows that Danny is looking for something – anything - to hang on to because he is busy taking him to the edge, the very edge.

Long ago – a lifetime ago – Rusty learned what to do to satisfy and he learned what to do to produce quick results because then everything was over that much faster. And skills once learned are never forgotten.

Danny's nails dig in and his breathing is ragged and Rusty knows if he carries on, it will all be over in moments. He releases Danny and sees him flop backwards on the bed. Rusty stands up and looks down with a smile at his partner, eyes closed, heart racing.

"That a new kind of Tootsie product?"

Danny swallows and says, "You are really, really good at that."

He doesn't see the smile bleed away or Rusty's eyes, vacant and remembering. Then Rusty shakes himself and drops down on the bed next to Danny, waiting. Eventually, Danny opens his eyes and turns his head to him. Rusty is propped up on one elbow, tongue playing over his top lip.

"Oh, you can stop that right now," Danny warns and Rusty grins and starts to turn on to his stomach.

Danny grabs his arm and pulls him up.

As he twists on to his front, resting his head on his hands, he says, "First times, remember".

And for the first time, Rusty hesitates.

"I trust you," Danny throws over his shoulder.

"I know. It's just…" he breaks off then says with an odd little tone in his voice that he can't suppress, "Let me know if I hurt you."

He runs his hand gently over Danny's back, feeling the muscles and the innate strength he's come to rely on. His hand moves further down and he takes up the tub of handcream.

Rusty takes his time preparing Danny, gently, carefully and sensitive to every nuance he reads in Danny's body. He uses his mouth and tongue before he lets his fingers softly explore and when he feels the sudden jerk from Danny, he lets his fingers trail over that spot again and again he feels Danny react.

Rusty's face does not say happiness. Rusty's face is not about enjoyment. Rusty's face is concern and anxiety and Danny is blissfully unaware.

After a while, Rusty withdraws his fingers and rummages through a pocket to find the protection Danny offered earlier. He cracks it open and half-hard as he is, he rolls it on and manoeuvres himself until he is just brushing, just teasing…

"Rusty…" And there is yearning and ache in Danny's voice that fires Rusty once more.

"Are you sure?" Rusty whispers.

"Hell, yeah."

And Rusty enters, pushing himself into tightness and biting his lip as he hears Danny's breath escaping in a painful hiss, as he feels Danny tense automatically. He moves further in, gently, carefully, just like his earlier touch and then gently, carefully builds up a rhythm, all the time watching Danny, worrying about Danny.

Danny's shoulders still say tension although it's more relaxed than before. The noises coming from Danny are more about pleasure than about pain. Danny's body is moving in time with Rusty's.

Rusty is still more anxious than he's been in ages. Because this is Danny. This is Danny. And it's one thing for him to be…but Danny… The guilty anxiety rages.

* * *

><p>After a while, he can stand it no longer and stops and withdraws, pulling the condom off and dropping it on the floor.<p>

Frowning, Danny sits up.

"You didn't…?"

"No."

It's barely a whisper but Rusty can't do anything but. Danny's eyes start to ask questions but white-faced, Rusty slumps down on his front.

"Rusty…?"

"Just do it, Danny," he says in a low voice.

Danny sees Rusty, submissive and compliant - _presenting,_ no less - and fury seizes him. It fills him from top to toe and he grabs Rusty and roughly pulls him into a sitting position.

"What's going on here, Rus?"

Rusty doesn't look at him. Instead, his eyes are all over the Paisley-patterned bed linen.

"Rus?" And Danny's voice means business.

Rusty doesn't answer him. Instead, he hangs his head and waits.

Danny pulls him to him and tips his face up to his, his eyes searching Rusty's and reading the damage within.

"I'm not some trick, Rusty," Danny says firmly and sees the flinch that never happens. "Talk to me."

"It's your first time," Rusty says and it's barely audible.

Danny nods. _They__'__ve __established-_

"Ahh…" he exhales and wonders if he can blame the new feelings he's been experiencing for making him so slow. He runs a hand over Rusty's shoulder and lets a little of the contained anger show. "And your first time was nothing like."

It's an observation not a question but Rusty answers it anyway.

"My first time, I was fifteen."

He closes his eyes and pulls his knees up to his chest.

"I was fifteen," he repeats and there is a shake in his voice that he can't control. "And I was- I was-"

The shake moves into his body and the silent tears start as Danny wraps his arms round him and holds him tightly.

"Danny…" the word is muffled and needing and Danny's grip on him tightens.

Rusty lifts his head and looks at Danny. "It was my own fault."

Danny's face says that he is never going to believe that.

"It's true," Rusty insists. "I was sick and I needed money and I was stupid enough to go looking for it without thinking about how M-" he stops himself as he sees Danny's eyes light up.

"About how the man I worked for operated," he finishes carefully. "He was only ever about opportunity and…I gave it to him on a platter."

The self-blame is tortured and torturous and Danny closes his own eyes to try and master the pain and the anger and the unhelpful feelings of longed-for vengeance. When he feels partway able to do so, he opens his eyes again and puts out a hand, cupping Rusty's face and making this man whom he cares about so much it hurts, listen to him.

"Did you ever agree to it?"

Rusty's mouth moves with uncontrollable misery.

"I said yes every step of the way."

"Really?" Danny's eyes are gimlets.

Rusty sighs. "Well, not…I didn't know…oh, fuck…"

"Rusty?"

Rusty's eyes are full of relived memory and unwillingly, he starts talking.

"I went looking for money. I needed money. And there were…things I was ready to do for money."

He feels Danny's arms hold him impossibly closer.

"I was grateful," Rusty's lips twist into a humourless smile. "I thought he was helping me. I thought he'd called a doctor. I thought…" he bit his lip. "I let them strip me off. I let them lay me on the bed. I…oh, Danny!"

The pain and the shame flood through him as richly as when it happened. He buries his face in Danny's arm and the sob is loud in his voice.

"I didn't want it. I didn't want any of it. Even the other. But this…I couldn't even ask for it to stop…I couldn't get the words out…and…"

MacAvoy's face swam into view, cheery and encouraging and shrewd and opportunistic and hateful.

"…and he was holding my wrists and he could see, he could _see,_ and he…Danny…and when it was over…I felt…I felt so…" he looks up at Danny. "I felt like I'll never be clean again."

Danny notices the change in tense and it kills him. He sees the naked pain in Rusty's eyes and swallows hard.

"Rusty, you have nothing to..." he can't finish that. He tries again. "You were used. Abused. And if I could go back and change that for you, I would. I want to find him and break every bone in his body for what he's done to you."

"I can bury it," Rusty says in a low voice. "I can push it so far inside myself that I don't have to think about it every day. I can hide it. But I can't erase it."

No, that's true. Danny doesn't begin to understand how Rusty's mind works but he knows that he has exceptional recall which means that everything -_every_thing – sits there fresh as a daisy. Well, Danny can't do anything about the past however badly he wants to. But maybe he can do something about the now and the future. He bites his lip for a moment.

"You want to tape over?" Danny asks softly and Rusty's eyes suddenly widen as he understands what's being offered.

"Forget it," Rusty says abruptly. "I can't…I don't…"

"You can," Danny says reaching out and stroking his hair. "Because I do."

Rusty looks at him wonderingly. "Every time?"

Danny nods.

"Every way," he promises.

* * *

><p>"You are bendier than you look."<p>

"That makes me sound like a straw."

"We are so not going there."

* * *

><p>"No. No. Here. No. <em>Here.<em>"

"You're kidding me!"

"You can reach. Trust me."

* * *

><p>"Up." <em>Like <em>_this._

"Isn't this some type of wrestling hold?"

"Guess this is some type of wrestling."

* * *

><p>"Can…can we get a mirror?"<p>

"A mirror! What are you li…oh, fuck…of course, we can…"

* * *

><p>He looks into dark eyes that hold humour and intelligence and something so much more and sees the perfect hair somewhat less than perfect and the lips slightly apart and he imprints this memory over the others. Because this is more than he would ever have asked for and more than he would ever have dreamed of.<p>

* * *

><p>He ignores the part of him that wants to weep at what Rusty shows him, at the ways Rusty is using his body. He focuses on Rusty. Because although they have done a hundred different things since they've been together to show each other what they are all about, this strikes him as one of the most essential.<p>

* * *

><p>He can't say when it happens. Somewhere between the kisses placed gently and carefully around his face; somewhere around the hands that hold him with steely tenderness; somewhere in the feel of a man inside him who isn't after anything other than pleasing <em>him;<em>somewhere in the midst of it all, he loses himself.

* * *

><p>He is fine as long as Rusty is in control. As long as there is (yet another and he will feel the fury later) position and banter and as long as he can see in Rusty's eyes that Rusty is relaxed and staying with him.<p>

And then it happens.

Rusty starts to disappear into himself and for the briefest of moments, he worries sharply for the reason and then he realises the reason and he sees the pleasure of being loved rippling through Rusty like a stone in a pond and it is the headiest sight he can remember seeing.

After that, he is holding on for grim death because the bliss on Rusty's face – closed eyes, parted lips and all – is enthralling.

"Rus?" he manages after a while. "I…I…"

Legs locked around Danny, Rusty's eyes fly open and he catches his breath as he sees apology and desire mixed together in front of him. He gives permission by breaking into a smile as stunning as it is natural and then watches with increasing arousal as Danny vanishes with a cry into orgasm.

He sees the tremors die down in Danny and panting heavily, Danny pulls free, strips off the condom and sinks down beside him. Rusty leans over and pulls him to him, holding him closely, stroking his hair.

"That was…"

Rusty smiles happily.

_Yeah._

He sees Danny looking at him speculatively.

_What?_

"Wanna try something."

He feels Danny travelling down his body, over his chest and stomach, using his hands and mouth and tongue, using the hands that can lift a wallet from any pocket, using the mouth that can draw in any mark with a crook of a smile, using the tongue that can spin any line successfully…using them to caress and kiss and lick…

Danny breaks off and Rusty sees him in between his legs, reaching for the handcream and slicking two fingers.

"What…?"

Anything else is rudely cut off because Danny has taken him in his mouth again and is working his flesh with new knowledge and skill and part of Rusty acknowledges that Danny is always a fast learner.

Then as he starts to move his hips in time with Danny, he feels the fingers enter and explore and it ought to be distracting, it ought to be confusing but the two sensations are curiously complementary. In fact he's not sure now that Danny's actually moving his fingers because he is thrusting down hard into Danny and all that he can think of is how crazy he's been to imagine sex is no great shakes.

He comes with a shuddering moan and lies there shaking; he couldn't tell you whether Danny spits or swallows and doesn't much care.

When he opens his eyes, Danny's lying beside him again and they smile at each other.

"First times," Danny murmurs.

"First times be damned," Rusty replies. "We're doing that again."


End file.
